I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
