turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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