someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize