Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
