I can text with my tongue
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
