Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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