this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
