I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
