I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
