when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
