i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
