Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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