i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
