We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize