He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize