i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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