I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
