I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
