Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
