i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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