I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just sent this text using only my big toe
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
