Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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