Just cropdusted the office
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
