I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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