Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i dont even know how to be here
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just had sex on a roof
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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