he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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