I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
