I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize