someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
there is glitter all over my balls
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
