so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
