How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
