I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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