Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize