I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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