my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
