If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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