They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
