I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am midnight drunk by noon
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
