Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize