I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
