textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
