so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
