Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
