I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
