Will you blow on my dice?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
