Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
