Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize