I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize