he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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