I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
