I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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