i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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