remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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