see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
