And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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