Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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