birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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