just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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