I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
