What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize