I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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