There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
