Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
