my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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