My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
