I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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