A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i think i have two assholes
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
