Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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