had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
