A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
